I am a New Yorker. I live life in the fast lane. I intuitively expect instant gratification, whether it be in the form of fast travel, fast service or fast internet connections. When I first started studying seduction and self-help, one of the first things I discovered was that my "fast life" mentality COULD NOT APPLY TO THIS AREA OF MY LIFE. When it comes to self-change (which is what the majority of seduction material is all about) NOTHING happens fast.
David DeAngelo uses the term "two steps forward, one step back". He uses it to describe physical escalation and "push-pull" tactics. But it applies to your inner self as well. Every time you will make some progress (steps forward), you will inevitably reach a point where you fail (steps back). In fact, in the realm of self-change you will likely take two steps forward and then two steps back many times. This will change OVER TIME, which is the key point here. You CANNOT beat up on yourself when something does not go right. I do it all the time, and it is a terrible habit.
I have been reading a book on Zen Buddhism and meditation, and the author says that the hardest part of meditation is FAILING at it so many times. What he means is that when you first start, your mind will wander everywhere. It won't even feel like meditation, because all you'll find yourself doing is REDIRECTING your mind to clarity every few seconds. This applies to self-change and seduction as well. You will inevitably slip into old patterns and feel shitty, especially when things go wrong. The key, however, is to persevere and REDIRECT your attention to the goal.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Knowledge vs. Belief
Many people think that having knowledge of something is the same thing as believing in something. In many cases, this is true. For example, when you learn something in school, like Columbus discovered America in 1492, you now have knowledge of that fact AND you probably believe that fact to be true (unless you're a skeptical historian like me :-)).
Yet in the realm of self-help, self-change or dating science, knowing and believing are not synonymous. Here is a personal story that illustrates this point. When I first read "The Game" almost two years ago, the information in there was overwhelming. The book went into great detail about how an average looking dude can go about picking up models and strippers. Knowing about this stuff excited me, and to a certain extent I found it encouraging. I told my friends about it and I was like now we will be able to have sooo much fun when we go out. Yet, despite having this knowledge, deep down my beliefs had not changed. I was still TERRIFIED to approach girls in bars or clubs. I was still TERRIFIED to spout out cocky/funny lines, or even to tell stories to strangers. The point is I had this KNOWLEDGE that I found interesting and inspiring, but I did not really BELIEVE it would work FOR ME.
It is for this very reason that I am sometimes skeptical of the philosophy "just go and do it". Maybe this philosophy works in PUA bootcamps, where you are forced into like forty sets in a weekend by demanding instructors. But outside of a bootcamp, this is going to be extremely challenging for guys whose belief system is still messed up.
The point of this post is that guys should NOT freak out if, even after absorbing the knowledge out there in the community, they still feel handcuffed in applying it. The stuff really works, but you have to change your belief system in order to effectively apply it. When I first started learning this stuff, I was frustrated because I was terrified to apply it. The idea of going out frightened me even more than it had before. But since I started working to change my beliefs, it has become much easier. So the point is: do NOT despair. Keep the faith. In my next post, I'll begin to describe ways in which to changed your beliefs.
Yet in the realm of self-help, self-change or dating science, knowing and believing are not synonymous. Here is a personal story that illustrates this point. When I first read "The Game" almost two years ago, the information in there was overwhelming. The book went into great detail about how an average looking dude can go about picking up models and strippers. Knowing about this stuff excited me, and to a certain extent I found it encouraging. I told my friends about it and I was like now we will be able to have sooo much fun when we go out. Yet, despite having this knowledge, deep down my beliefs had not changed. I was still TERRIFIED to approach girls in bars or clubs. I was still TERRIFIED to spout out cocky/funny lines, or even to tell stories to strangers. The point is I had this KNOWLEDGE that I found interesting and inspiring, but I did not really BELIEVE it would work FOR ME.
It is for this very reason that I am sometimes skeptical of the philosophy "just go and do it". Maybe this philosophy works in PUA bootcamps, where you are forced into like forty sets in a weekend by demanding instructors. But outside of a bootcamp, this is going to be extremely challenging for guys whose belief system is still messed up.
The point of this post is that guys should NOT freak out if, even after absorbing the knowledge out there in the community, they still feel handcuffed in applying it. The stuff really works, but you have to change your belief system in order to effectively apply it. When I first started learning this stuff, I was frustrated because I was terrified to apply it. The idea of going out frightened me even more than it had before. But since I started working to change my beliefs, it has become much easier. So the point is: do NOT despair. Keep the faith. In my next post, I'll begin to describe ways in which to changed your beliefs.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Evolution
For my first real blog post, I have decided to discuss my own personal evolution. This post is dedicated to my background, and how I got to where I am today. Why the focus on background? Many PUAs would probably say reading posts like this are a waste of time. They would say there is no use dwelling on the past. I believe that recognizing and accepting the significance of your background is an important step in evolving and developing the inner game necessary to be successful at this game.
I will post about this more later, but I believe that your background influences 90% of your thought process. Psychological research seems to agree. The point is that EVERY negative thought you have, especially in the area of dating, is likely derived from your past. These negative thoughts can come to paralyze you in this area of your life. Therefore, coming to grips with that past and learning from it is VERY important. I sincerely hope that anyone reading this can on some level RELATE to my experience and learn about how it has shaped you. So with that preamble out of the way...
I was raised in Brooklyn, New York by my mother and my grandparents. I am an only child, so my parents were VERY protective of me. From an early age, I was taught to be suspicious of strangers. This occurred DESPITE the fact that my grandparents' business involved constant, often hostile, interactions with strangers. I was kept away from such interactions at all costs, and even when I was exposed to such interactions, I saw them in a completely NEGATIVE light. By a young age, subconsciously, I was taught that interacting with strangers was not generally a pleasant experience.
Moreover, as an only child from a relatively welathy family, I was spoiled. I liked to get what I wanted. And my parents obliged. If I wanted something, I usually got it, whether it was an action figure, a video game or a McDonalds hamburger. As a result, whenever I was hungry, I was VERY well fed. By the time I was 11 years old, I was EXTREMELY overweight. I wish I could tell you how overweight I was, but I have no idea, because I was too embarassed to get on the scale. All I know is that I was fat, VERY fat.
My weight was a constant source of embarassment for me. Sure, I pretended that it didn't matter and that I was self-confident. But anyone that was close with me could tell that wasn't true. By the time I reached 7th grade, I had convinced myself that NO girl could be attracted to me because of the way I looked. I avoided mirrors. I avoided swimming because I hated taking my shirt off. I avoided talking to girls.
Despite my weight, I was social when it came to hanging out with guys. In fact, by most standards I was considered popular in junior high and high school. This popularity was very important to me, and I was always keenly aware of the social food chain. Now that I reflect on it however, I was never really "in" with the popular kids. I hung out with them, but they sort of kept me around for entertainment. I was witty and had a great taste for self-depricating humor. At the time, I was proud of this, but in the end it wasn't a good thing. It kept me from being depressed, but while many of my friends were out making out with girls, I was at home or lurking in the background.
My first real "evolution" occurred in the summer between my junior and senior year in high school. After a few days in the gym, I started to develop a taste for weightlifting. And my taste for weightlifting developed into a taste for running and cardio. Soon, I was working out every day and watching my diet. I told people my motivation was health, but that was a lie. I was doing it for women, to feel more confident with the opposite sex. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done, but I managed to shed roughly 80 lbs. of fat and gained alot of muscle. In the span of five months, I had COMPLETELY changed. People didn't recognize me. It felt pretty good.
Yet here is an important observation: a change that is purely physical is not a TRUE change. What I mean by this is that although my exterior changed, I was still psychologically the same. Sure, I had gained more confidence. I was A BIT more willing to talk to girls now. But I was still terribly shy. And, even worse, whereas I formerly blamed my weight for my unattractiveness, I now found new things to focus on. I wasn't as good looking as the guys on TV. My facial structure wasn't perfect. My body still had some excess fat on it. I came up with EVERY excuse as to why the opposite sex was uninterested in me. Despite my great transformation, I was still completely dumbfounded by the opposite sex, and I was still convinced it had something to do with my physical shortcomings.
When I went away to college, things changed a bit. I was able to reinvent myself, and even though I was still completely clueless when it came to girls, now many of them were attracted to me despite my limited ability to communicate with them. However, I really had NO CONTROL over this process. Sometimes a girl found me attractive, and we would hook up. Sometimes I would blow it. And whenever I blew it and things didn't go my way, I blamed it on something physical. It didn't matter how many girls told me I was cute. The thoughts from high school still came flooding back, and I got depressed. Then I would hook up with another girl, and I'd feel a little bit better. It was like a vicious cycle.
Simultaneously, in college I was achieving success in all aspects of my life. My grades were great. I joined a very cool fraternity, and even became a two-term president of the group. Yet my failures with girls plagued me. Despite my limited success with women, I felt helpless in this area of my life. It was around this time that I began researching the community, looking for that "magic pill" that told me I could attract women DESPITE my looks.
Fast forward a year. I read Neil Strauss's book "The Game". I found it encouraging. But guess what? I found myself UNABLE to utilize many of the techniques detailed in the book. I was TERRIFIED to approach girls. All the girls I had fooled around with in college had been from a warm approach or from social circle game. Moreover, even with girls I knew, I felt that the techniques were too much for me. How could an unattractive guy like me spit out these cocky/funny lines, or talk about these weird topics? So even with the KNOWLEDGE, it was not enough.
This post is VERY long, so let me try to wrap it up. Today, I believe that tactics and techniques are helpful, but if you can't overcome your past, if you can't overcome the negativity that is stuck in your head, they will NEVER work because you will never commit to them. You will be scared. You will be timid. You will be in your own head. Until that problem is controlled, all the PUA products in the world will do NOTHING for you. You will just be spinning your wheels.
Many PUAs will say "just go out and do it". This is good advice. But I looked at this advice and my inner demons told me "I just can't". It was not until I faced these inner demons, until I came to grips with my past and its effect on me, that I was able to start utilizing these techniques. In many ways, despite having known about the "game" for more than two years, my journey has just begun. I struggle with this stuff EVERY DAY. Before I was concerned with techniques and tactics, but those only got me so far. I have recently started examining my inner self, coming to grips with the aforementioned issues, and only now have these tactics and techniques begun to pay off. This is what I want to share on this blog. I want to help other people begin this journey as well....
I hope I have not bored you guys with my ramblings. I am not WHINING about my past. I am sharing it with you so you, as the reader, can relate to it and realize your own limitations that are present because of your past. These limitations CAN 100% be OVERCOME, but you have to recognize them first. If you are willing, I enocourage you to post your own experiences under the comments section. I believe this is the first and most important step of our adventure...
I will post about this more later, but I believe that your background influences 90% of your thought process. Psychological research seems to agree. The point is that EVERY negative thought you have, especially in the area of dating, is likely derived from your past. These negative thoughts can come to paralyze you in this area of your life. Therefore, coming to grips with that past and learning from it is VERY important. I sincerely hope that anyone reading this can on some level RELATE to my experience and learn about how it has shaped you. So with that preamble out of the way...
I was raised in Brooklyn, New York by my mother and my grandparents. I am an only child, so my parents were VERY protective of me. From an early age, I was taught to be suspicious of strangers. This occurred DESPITE the fact that my grandparents' business involved constant, often hostile, interactions with strangers. I was kept away from such interactions at all costs, and even when I was exposed to such interactions, I saw them in a completely NEGATIVE light. By a young age, subconsciously, I was taught that interacting with strangers was not generally a pleasant experience.
Moreover, as an only child from a relatively welathy family, I was spoiled. I liked to get what I wanted. And my parents obliged. If I wanted something, I usually got it, whether it was an action figure, a video game or a McDonalds hamburger. As a result, whenever I was hungry, I was VERY well fed. By the time I was 11 years old, I was EXTREMELY overweight. I wish I could tell you how overweight I was, but I have no idea, because I was too embarassed to get on the scale. All I know is that I was fat, VERY fat.
My weight was a constant source of embarassment for me. Sure, I pretended that it didn't matter and that I was self-confident. But anyone that was close with me could tell that wasn't true. By the time I reached 7th grade, I had convinced myself that NO girl could be attracted to me because of the way I looked. I avoided mirrors. I avoided swimming because I hated taking my shirt off. I avoided talking to girls.
Despite my weight, I was social when it came to hanging out with guys. In fact, by most standards I was considered popular in junior high and high school. This popularity was very important to me, and I was always keenly aware of the social food chain. Now that I reflect on it however, I was never really "in" with the popular kids. I hung out with them, but they sort of kept me around for entertainment. I was witty and had a great taste for self-depricating humor. At the time, I was proud of this, but in the end it wasn't a good thing. It kept me from being depressed, but while many of my friends were out making out with girls, I was at home or lurking in the background.
My first real "evolution" occurred in the summer between my junior and senior year in high school. After a few days in the gym, I started to develop a taste for weightlifting. And my taste for weightlifting developed into a taste for running and cardio. Soon, I was working out every day and watching my diet. I told people my motivation was health, but that was a lie. I was doing it for women, to feel more confident with the opposite sex. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done, but I managed to shed roughly 80 lbs. of fat and gained alot of muscle. In the span of five months, I had COMPLETELY changed. People didn't recognize me. It felt pretty good.
Yet here is an important observation: a change that is purely physical is not a TRUE change. What I mean by this is that although my exterior changed, I was still psychologically the same. Sure, I had gained more confidence. I was A BIT more willing to talk to girls now. But I was still terribly shy. And, even worse, whereas I formerly blamed my weight for my unattractiveness, I now found new things to focus on. I wasn't as good looking as the guys on TV. My facial structure wasn't perfect. My body still had some excess fat on it. I came up with EVERY excuse as to why the opposite sex was uninterested in me. Despite my great transformation, I was still completely dumbfounded by the opposite sex, and I was still convinced it had something to do with my physical shortcomings.
When I went away to college, things changed a bit. I was able to reinvent myself, and even though I was still completely clueless when it came to girls, now many of them were attracted to me despite my limited ability to communicate with them. However, I really had NO CONTROL over this process. Sometimes a girl found me attractive, and we would hook up. Sometimes I would blow it. And whenever I blew it and things didn't go my way, I blamed it on something physical. It didn't matter how many girls told me I was cute. The thoughts from high school still came flooding back, and I got depressed. Then I would hook up with another girl, and I'd feel a little bit better. It was like a vicious cycle.
Simultaneously, in college I was achieving success in all aspects of my life. My grades were great. I joined a very cool fraternity, and even became a two-term president of the group. Yet my failures with girls plagued me. Despite my limited success with women, I felt helpless in this area of my life. It was around this time that I began researching the community, looking for that "magic pill" that told me I could attract women DESPITE my looks.
Fast forward a year. I read Neil Strauss's book "The Game". I found it encouraging. But guess what? I found myself UNABLE to utilize many of the techniques detailed in the book. I was TERRIFIED to approach girls. All the girls I had fooled around with in college had been from a warm approach or from social circle game. Moreover, even with girls I knew, I felt that the techniques were too much for me. How could an unattractive guy like me spit out these cocky/funny lines, or talk about these weird topics? So even with the KNOWLEDGE, it was not enough.
This post is VERY long, so let me try to wrap it up. Today, I believe that tactics and techniques are helpful, but if you can't overcome your past, if you can't overcome the negativity that is stuck in your head, they will NEVER work because you will never commit to them. You will be scared. You will be timid. You will be in your own head. Until that problem is controlled, all the PUA products in the world will do NOTHING for you. You will just be spinning your wheels.
Many PUAs will say "just go out and do it". This is good advice. But I looked at this advice and my inner demons told me "I just can't". It was not until I faced these inner demons, until I came to grips with my past and its effect on me, that I was able to start utilizing these techniques. In many ways, despite having known about the "game" for more than two years, my journey has just begun. I struggle with this stuff EVERY DAY. Before I was concerned with techniques and tactics, but those only got me so far. I have recently started examining my inner self, coming to grips with the aforementioned issues, and only now have these tactics and techniques begun to pay off. This is what I want to share on this blog. I want to help other people begin this journey as well....
I hope I have not bored you guys with my ramblings. I am not WHINING about my past. I am sharing it with you so you, as the reader, can relate to it and realize your own limitations that are present because of your past. These limitations CAN 100% be OVERCOME, but you have to recognize them first. If you are willing, I enocourage you to post your own experiences under the comments section. I believe this is the first and most important step of our adventure...
Saturday, July 28, 2007
The Purpose of the Inner Game Adventure
Welcome to the Inner Game Adventure! My name is Dragon. I decided to publish this blog because in the last year I've been trying to GREATLY improve my life, specifically in the area of women and dating. Yes, for better or for worse, I am another one of those guys who is a member of that "PUA community" that was publicized following Neil Strauss's release of "The Game".
However, unlike many of the other PUA blogs out there, I am FAR from an expert on this stuff. This blog will detail my own personal struggle with this material, in addition to hopefully providing some useful advice for the readers. Likewise, this blog will mainly focus on "inner game". In other words, I will aim to describe the psychological transformation that I feel is necessary to become successful in this game. I'm not saying that I will totally ignore "outer game" issues, but those will certainly take a backseat.
So why should you care about this blog? Perhaps you can relate to many of the issues I discuss here, AND, more importantly, you can improve from some of the observations I make about those issues. In my humble opinion, EVERY man can improve his inner game, and those improvements will not only effect your success with the opposite sex, but also with life in general. Perhaps this blog will help you (and me) along the way.
Stay tuned for my first "real" post, in which I will discuss my background and what got me into this whole mess...
However, unlike many of the other PUA blogs out there, I am FAR from an expert on this stuff. This blog will detail my own personal struggle with this material, in addition to hopefully providing some useful advice for the readers. Likewise, this blog will mainly focus on "inner game". In other words, I will aim to describe the psychological transformation that I feel is necessary to become successful in this game. I'm not saying that I will totally ignore "outer game" issues, but those will certainly take a backseat.
So why should you care about this blog? Perhaps you can relate to many of the issues I discuss here, AND, more importantly, you can improve from some of the observations I make about those issues. In my humble opinion, EVERY man can improve his inner game, and those improvements will not only effect your success with the opposite sex, but also with life in general. Perhaps this blog will help you (and me) along the way.
Stay tuned for my first "real" post, in which I will discuss my background and what got me into this whole mess...
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